Celebrity Death Match
by Ste650
Summary: Martin and Maria go face to face with Samantha and Jack, who will win, I decide.


Imagine the most dingy lit room you have ever been in. Got it? Now imagine a room the size of a chicken pen (a small one of course). Now finally imagine a ring in the centre, surrounded by a collection of rather odd people. To name a few, there was a four legged pigeon sat at the bar trying to pull a strange looking lumberjack……. Anyway.

Today's fight was between two couples, and presenting and refereeing the match was what looked like monkey zoologist , but it could just have been the bad lighting. After climbing in the ring, he raised his voice so everyone could hear.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, you have come here to day to see an awe inspiring fight. A fight where we see utter determination and will from both teams. And where else can you see such entertainment other than today's showing of Celebrity Death Match."

Loud cheer from the crowd.

"I am proud to introduce our first tag team. Just back from their honeymoon after their amazing performance on 'love found at the top of Everest', I would personally place all my money on this pair. So please put your hands together for Jack Malone and Samantha Spade, also known today as …WADWAT……."

From a crack in the wall that was being used as a door came Jack carrying Sam to the ring, with her arms thrown passionately around his. The cheers from the crowd nearly made you forget about the smell that came from the corner of the room……but not quite.

"And now people, I will introduce their opponents. I think rejects would be an understatement for these pitiful pair, but lets put our hands together for Jacks former wife Maria also knows as the bitch wife from hell, and her partner Martin Fitzgag….gerald. Both a loser in life and on the game show 'love found at the top of Everest'. Welcome…..'Gag the bitch wife from hell'

Then the source of the smell emerged. Both of them scurried forward, abuse being hurtled at them along with a large caravan….sadly it missed.

"Contestants, I expect a dirty fight, with lots of violence and dirty moves. And only one person is allowed in the ring at any time…Am I understood?

Mumble of approval from both teams.

"Then Samantha and Maria, could you take your places behind the ropes. Jack and Martin…the fight starts when the bell rings"

Ring

Martin rushed at Jack with a mad glint in his eye, running as fast as he could he reached him in no time…..and ran straight into jacks knee. He fell like a man who had encountered an obstacle and couldn't handle it (good simile that).

Jack ran over to Sam and tagged her hand. Samantha slowly strolled over to Martin with a scowl on her face that made Martin feel like peeing his pants….so he did.

Samantha reached down and grabbed Martin by the scruff of his neck and hurled him into the corner of the ring, and with a slam that put sumo wrestlers to shame…….impacted with the turnbuckle.

"Samantha, stop this non-sense. You love me and I love you….so why attack me? Martin began to rise with his arms and pals open in a gesture of peace.

Samantha drew her gun from her holster and aimed it on martin. " Put your hands above your head and lie down on the floor."

Martin slowly began to lie on the floor, not wanting to hurt Samantha and not wanting to get on the wrong side of her. "Samantha, put the gun down….you know you love me….don't shoot me …please."

Samantha strolled over, the gun levelled at Martin. She slapped cuffs to his wrists, and then aimed the gun directly at him.

"Samantha, I'm sorry I have to do this." At that moment, something strange began to happen. T seemed Martin was on fire, but then it soon became noticeable that Martin was turning into smoke. ( Remember the powers granted by the red carpet man ) The cuffs fell to the floor and martin reappeared behind Samantha.

Then from ringside, Maria slid a pistol from her cape ( only really corny amateur wrestlers have capes ) and shot Samantha in the leg.

Jack screamed. He looked pleadingly at the referee monkey ( who was surprisingly called Barry ), and Barry nodded. Jack took of his jacket and walked into the ring and lifted Samantha with such loving care.

It was then that Martin and Maria attacked. They both stormed towards the encumbered Jack and it seemed there was nothing Jack could do.

And then, from Jacks eyes manifested a huge penguin. The penguin flew up into the air and body slammed into team 'Gag the bitch wife from hell.' Both fell, with a crunch.

Jack placed Samantha in a healing pod which was conveniently placed at ring side, he kissed her for head and turned to kick some butt. As he was walking away, he heard Samantha muttering under her weak breath, "set them on fire."

Jack re-entered the ring. He glanced at Maria, and then Martin. "You have gone to far, and now you will pay. Jack suddenly transformed into the most hideous creature any mortal could encounter. ( Trust me, if you came face to face with a 19 ft tall Donut, you wouldn't feel your taste buds going, but your knees )

Martin simply flumped onto the floor. "If only you where a bag of nachos, I could deal with that."

Jack paced over and picked him up, then with his other hand he slapped Maria out of the ring. "Martin, you fight me for Samantha's affection yet she does not love you.

Another trickle of urine from Martin.

"Hey, I have an idea." The shout came from Jacks corner, and when he looked around…Samantha stood in perfect health in the ring corner. "What should I do with him honey?

Samantha hurried over to Jack and whispered something into his ear, he chuckled and then with a huge grin got his phone out. After a few brief words, men in animal control suits rushed into the room and gabbed martin, hauling him out of the ring…then the room.

A cheers went up as Samantha and Samantha where announced the winners of today's bout.

but whatever happened to Martin and Maria. Well, Maria landed next to the four legged pigeon at the bar. One thing led to another and now is a happily married wife who spends a lot of her time chatting up lumberjacks at strange bars.

Martin on the other hand was much more fortunate. He was shipped to the nearest penguin sanctuary and is fed daily with fresh donuts. (all of which are 19 ft tall )

All of the children who go to see the penguins are still unsure if all penguins smell of urine, or is it just the ugly one who sits in the corner. Another mystery unsolved. 


End file.
